Thursday, December 9, 2010


So I thought I had kidney stones, but apparently I don't. I have to go see a specialist tomorrow (urologist). I'm also fighting ear infection, and soars in my mouth, and diarrhea, fever. I don't know if I'm having more migraines or what, but i can't touch my hurts to lay my head down on a pillow, move my neck, touch my neck. I've had a period for over 2 months now due to the pcod. I'm tired, but can't sleep. I'm hungry, but it hurts to eat. my eyes won't stop twitching. my heart constantly aches because I'm not pregnant, but now i'm starting to think about just going ahead with the surgery to have all the girly things removed. I'm tired all the time. I hurt all the time. I want to be healthy.

i don't know if anyone will read this, but if so please pray for me. i'm tired of fighting to sleep, and fighting to wake up once i am alseep. I'm tired of pain in my body. I'm tired of pmsing for months on end only to have a surgery to make it stop for a little while. I'm tired of not working and helping with money coming in. I'm tired of always being horribly broke, and asking for money to be able to go to the dr. i'm tired for my hubby who never has a break. he works non stop and comes home and cares for me. i just want to be better or else find a place to be put so hubby doesn't have to care for me all the time. i'm wearing down and wearing him down too. my mom constantly worries about me, and she's caring for her old and dying mean parents. all the while she's wearing down, she's already had to have stents put in her heart.

i just want life to be a little less hard. we have decisions that need to be made, and have no clue what to do. my parents are starting to go under paying on this house we live in, and we pay as much as we can in rent, but we need to move and have no money to do now we are trying to figure out what to do. where do we move? how do we pay to move?

i'm so broken, and the pieces are just getting smaller and smaller, and if something doesn't let up i'm not going to be able to be fixed. i try praying, but i feel like such a hypocrite. I don't go to church. I cuss. We've started reading the Bible, but as soon as we started i went on 3 trips and its hard to do something together when your in different states. I don't know how to continue going on, but don't wanna end my life either. There is so much stress and pressure on me all the time, and no way to make it go away.

I started a job that seemed perfect for me, but now that i'm sick, i can't even use the phone. it hurts too much to talk and i cough every time i talk. it hurts my ears to put phone up to my ears, due to ear infection. they email me everyday, and all i can say is not today. i feel like a failure all the damn time. I'm so tired of being a let down. i serve no purpose in this world.