Options

I had made up my mind, I am going to have a complete hysterectomy....I mean I have been bleeding for 4 months. Mom came in and gave me the money for the dr appointment. And we get to the dr's office....no mention of hysterectomy. She is doing tests on me I have been through a thousand times before. However she mentioned 2 different things that no other dr has done/mentioned. She wants to do a test on me to look for endometriosis.....some of the symptoms i have make her think not only do i have PCOS/PCOD but i may have endometriosis. And then she also said she has seen women with high testosterone have better chances of carrying a child. So now again I'm torn......do i want to go through all this and try for kids, or do i just wanna tell the dr that i'm done and want it all removed.

I'm so conflicted. I know that going option 1: removal of everything is going to be a costly price, once and then i'll be done; or option 2: testing, surgeries, and more periods, and fertility treatment is going to cost and cost and cost and then if we have kids, they will cost even more. I have wanted kids since I was one, but I got to the point where I've accepted that I can't have kids.

I know that one thing I need to do is I need to lose weight. However, the lack of funds and the out of control hormones makes it hard. I have talked to dietitians and they aren't any help. I don't like the way I look now. I know I need to lose weight to be healthy. But how do you eat healthy on $100 or less for 2 people for 2 weeks? when you have to buy EVERYTHING needed for that amount. Pads, car needs, gas, paper goods, everything for the house.

My life is constantly waiting on something. Right now I can't work because of the bleeding.....and unless we get more money, things are going to be tight....and I have to wait on dr apointments until either mom and doug help us out or unless i do work the part time job I have once a year.

Right now, I'm dying to craft......I am out of ink for my printer, and need some items for what I do what to do...however, the money is an issue for me. So I want anyone who may read this who has thoughts or ideas on how to craft from what anyone has in their house. I have no original ideas for crafting, but I have a million ideas from things I have seen on the internet and books I own.

I want to make changes in me.....I want to better my life. I want to be healthy. I'm not making new years resolutions, because I never follow through. But this year I want to become a better me!

tiring

So I thought I had kidney stones, but apparently I don't. I have to go see a specialist tomorrow (urologist). I'm also fighting ear infection, and soars in my mouth, and diarrhea, fever. I don't know if I'm having more migraines or what, but i can't touch my head....it hurts to lay my head down on a pillow, move my neck, touch my neck. I've had a period for over 2 months now due to the pcod. I'm tired, but can't sleep. I'm hungry, but it hurts to eat. my eyes won't stop twitching. my heart constantly aches because I'm not pregnant, but now i'm starting to think about just going ahead with the surgery to have all the girly things removed. I'm tired all the time. I hurt all the time. I want to be healthy.

i don't know if anyone will read this, but if so please pray for me. i'm tired of fighting to sleep, and fighting to wake up once i am alseep. I'm tired of pain in my body. I'm tired of pmsing for months on end only to have a surgery to make it stop for a little while. I'm tired of not working and helping with money coming in. I'm tired of always being horribly broke, and asking for money to be able to go to the dr. i'm tired for my hubby who never has a break. he works non stop and comes home and cares for me. i just want to be better or else find a place to be put so hubby doesn't have to care for me all the time. i'm wearing down and wearing him down too. my mom constantly worries about me, and she's caring for her old and dying mean parents. all the while she's wearing down, she's already had to have stents put in her heart.

i just want life to be a little less hard. we have decisions that need to be made, and have no clue what to do. my parents are starting to go under paying on this house we live in, and we pay as much as we can in rent, but we need to move and have no money to do so.....so now we are trying to figure out what to do. where do we move? how do we pay to move?

i'm so broken, and the pieces are just getting smaller and smaller, and if something doesn't let up i'm not going to be able to be fixed. i try praying, but i feel like such a hypocrite. I don't go to church. I cuss. We've started reading the Bible, but as soon as we started i went on 3 trips and its hard to do something together when your in different states. I don't know how to continue going on, but don't wanna end my life either. There is so much stress and pressure on me all the time, and no way to make it go away.

I started a job that seemed perfect for me, but now that i'm sick, i can't even use the phone. it hurts too much to talk and i cough every time i talk. it hurts my ears to put phone up to my ears, due to ear infection. they email me everyday, and all i can say is not today. i feel like a failure all the damn time. I'm so tired of being a let down. i serve no purpose in this world.