Are we wide awake? or completely hypnotized?

So I was browsing the internet, and ended up on amazon just looking. That turned into me looking up videos on youtube. Have you seen Katy Perry's video for wide awake? if not here's the link.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0BWlvnBmIE&feature=related

its um, weird. so that got me thinking...what the heck is it about. so that got me to this page....

http://vigilantcitizen.com/musicbusiness/katy-perrys-wide-awake-a-video-about-monarch-mind-control/

well, once reading that I of course clicked on.....

http://secretarcana.com/hiddenknowledge/monarch-programming-mind-control/

can i just say this is scary. the comments are interesting too. but let me know your thoughts and opinions.....

Long Lost Friend......my Blog

Hello old friend. I know this is more for me than anyone else.....but I'm back! :D

 I have been lost to the internet world for a while now....since I last wrote, I have been back to Oklahoma to help my dad and step mom out. I spent almost 6 weeks there. While I was there I ended up losing $400 that I had paid for a plane ticket and did everything I could to get it refunded  while I was caring for my dad. They couldn't/wouldn't refund it. So that money for the most part is just gone.

I have been crocheting a storm while in waiting rooms taking my dad to and from appointments. I even sold some items to help me have funds while I was gone.

I have since found a pattern I am COMPLETELY in love with, but no funds to get it and know no one who gets crochet world magazine subscription. So if I don't get it this month, I will never get it. :(
It was from October 2010. It was Aran Poncho Pattern by Bendy Carter.


Since I have been home my hubby has gotten me addicted to his new game his brother got him while I was gone. Its called Minecraft.....I think thats its name. The first night he showed it to me I had dreams about it. I think I may end up wanting a copy of it for my computer. I love that game.

My step-mom made me a lotus bag.....its a sewing pattern we found for free. I love this little bag. Its AWESOME!!!! My step-mom also got me several cigar boxes. Its AWESOME!!! I love them. That was a HUGE surprise. :)

I got home and my mom had ordered me some yarn off ebay. I'm so friggen happy. There was 2 different kinds. Sinfonia (MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE - since lydia stopped my other favorite). I also had another box here waiting on me from mom. There was a few other surprises.

I love getting mail that isn't bills or junk!!! :D I got some free things from post it notes. I love post it notes. They are some of my favorite things. I'm an "office" stuff junkie. I love pens and notebooks and post it notes and all kinds of things like that.

I have a few projects started and trying to finish.....and I have my next few already lined up. However the yarn isn't a for sure yet. I don't know which yarns to use for what project. I need a person to come over and help me figure out what yarn to use for what projects.

I'm trying to learn to sew. I'm wanting more than anything to be able to mend my clothes or alter them (really just adding material on the bottom of my pants to make them long enough) and make bags and things.

I'm wanting to start cooking. I made my first batch of bacon not made in the microwave while I was at my dad and step-mom's house. I also made pork chops. And baked potatoes in the oven instead of the mircowave. lol. I'm trying to grow up and learn new things. I'm tired of saying I don't know how and just not doing whatever cause I don't know how to do whatever. I'm almost 30 years old and am wanting to be a bit more domestic and cook. Instead of eating things that aren't good for us. Like those box meals that make life easier. I want to really cook.

I was talking to hubby last night about wanting to start going more gluten free and trying this new diet a friend from  Oh Yarn It! Here in Kansas is on. I can't remember the name....I've got it in the other room. But she said she is feelin better on it and its great for people with the poly cystic ovarian disease that we both have. Its a great way to help lose weight.

My collection of post cards, key chains and licence plates has not grown much for a while now. I'm really kinda sad about that, it took off for a while and is again flat lined. I have a list I carry with me on a regular basis. In case I find a place that sells what I want/need.

I guess I'm done rambling for now and will sign off. I need to go clean my house. Thanks for reading.....

Hell week.....

So this week has been totally hellacious. Saturday my mom was in a car accident in WV and my father had 2 seizures and was found to have a brain tumor in OK. Hubby and I found out on sunday about both. Mom is ok; a deer hit her car. She's got to have some repairs done, but she's ok.

Hubby and I drove to OK to see dad and his wife and the rest of the family followed. Dad made it out of ICU and into a normal room the day before he had brain surgery to remove the tumor. So, dad's back in ICU. He was up talking, walking, eating and semi ok before Nathan and I left OK. His short term memory is still not working, and he's lost some of his peripheral vision in his right eye but over all he's doing well.

I'm so tired from all the emotions that have gone with this past week.....from traveling......from having to think so much. I'm still trying to figure out how we're going to pay to get our car licensed and how we're going to get our driver's licenses here in KS since we moved weekend before last. We spent all the money that we had getting to OK and back and on food while we were there. We're kinda screwed.

I'm praying God puts money into our hands so we can not get a ticket for taking too long to get everything switched to our new address. I don't know what the final decision is about dad having chemo therapy and radiation, but I hope someone in the family lets me know. My sister made it in from korea my brothers made it in from florida and wv. I got to see my aunts and uncle that I haven't seen since 1995. I'm worn out and still have more to do. Hubby has to work in the morning and he has nothing to wear.

I'm so dizzy and ready for sleep. I plan on sleeping for the next few days. I don't wanna leave my apartment. I just need to be held and cry and sleep. we have nothing to eat here and no money to get anything. i don't know what we are going to do for the next week. My grandmother gave me her mother's day gift that she was given to help us home. That $50 got us home and left us with $2. I have 3 bills due that we can't pay for a couple weeks. I'm so over being an adult right now. I'm looking forward to being asleep here in a few minutes. I'm going to go take a sleeping pill and be done.

I missed the family group picture....they did that after we left. Whatever good night have a better week than me. bye

New life, new friends, new hang out....

So yesterday I decided, after talking to my mom, that i was going to get up, take a shower and not be home. So that's what I did. I got up, took a shower and spent all day at the local yarn shop. I LOVED IT! I'm not going to name names because I'll forget someone important. I haven't been a social person in a while and now I am starting to have the urge to be near people more. I'm excited to get to know people more here and be able to spend time with them.

It is so much fun talking and listening to the different people here in McP! Oh Yarn It! Is a GREAT place to meet GREAT peoples. This town wouldn't be as nice with out OYI! I went back today for a bit, just cause I wanted to be near peoples.

I think I'll be heading back out in a few minutes. I don't wanna be 'home' because it doesn't feel like home and all I wanna do is sleep when I'm here.

Don't really have anything more to say right now....I'm going to stop at the garage sale and then go back to OYI!!!

A New Home...

So we are now sitting in our new home in Kansas. We have internet hooked up, but only the laptop. Neither of the REAL computers are hooked up, nor is the printer. We continually are looking for things, like hubby's clothes.

We couldn't have done this move with out family. My mom helped Nathan and I load in Tennessee and hubby's mommy and step-dad (pop) helped us unload and hook up the washer and dryer that my momma gave us. Its been AMAZING being able to do laundry on the same level you live on. I'm so thankful for both hubby's and my family. They are blessings to hubby and I.

I like the small town feel of where we live here in Kansas. Its homey. Its easier to feel like you belong, and to find where everything is..... I really do like it here.

We have a few kinks with the apartment....like, um, the dishwasher....I opened it to find it looked molded or something, its AWFUL. So we tried to run cleaner in it to make it better, and it got water in it, VERY VERY little water in it, and then it started smoking. It was a little nerve wracking. So I called about a work order for that and also for the tub in the bathroom....its not draining well.

We live on the second story.....it took so much out of us to get EVERYTHING in here. At times there were 3 of us pushing and pulling to get the heavy furniture up the stairs. When we move, I may just say, that crap stays. lol.

Hubby and I have been so tired since the move, but we found out he has several days off in a row and it will be good for us. That way we can get the driver's licences and the licence plate and everything switched (we hope).

Well, I guess I'm done writing for now, going to bed. too sleepy to breathe. I need a shower and just don't have the energy. I forgot my hormone today so I'm a little emotional as well. This is going to be interesting. lol.

in search of a home...

So as I have reported before, my husband and I are getting transferred to Kansas. We're out here looking for a home. We thought we had the perfect place, the woman promised and then reneged on the place. Grrr. So now we're looking again for another place. This is hard. Its tiresome. I don't know how my mom did it so many times with us kids. the older I get the more I realize the strong woman my mother is. If it weren't for her this time, we wouldn't have the good leads we do have. We're searching hard for a home. We're looking at places, but nothing fits. Its either a little older and run down or else its out of our range or there are pets there and I couldn't do that since I'm SO ALLERGIC.

I'm praying for strength and patience. I'm trying to have a good attitude. Pray for me.

long time gone...

So I've been gone a long time from the blog. I have been spending time with my mom, and helping her get healthier. I've also been crocheting various things with no patterns, just because. We have started getting our place packed and gone through so we can be ready for this move. I can't wait for it to be over with. I hate the limbo we're living in right now.

I've been either packing or getting rid of the little chachkis, and burning all my candles down. We can buy more there, we don't have to take these with us. I know they don't take too much space, but I'm like lets  get rid of EVERYTHING we can. So that way we have more space for what we need. And maybe even get a smaller truck since little things add up to big spaces.

I've started a new book with my sister in law and that and spending time with her has become something that is also helping me have something to focus on.

Well, other than that, we finally got our pictures taken professionally. First time in our marriage. We also got to get them made with my mom. The pictures turned out wonderfully.

Well guess I better get back to doing things around the house. There's much to be done.

News...

So we got word yesterday, we are officially moving to the state of Kansas. I hadn't realized until yesterday how comfortable I have become with the idea of staying here in Tennessee. I'm excited about going to a new place my husband and I haven't been before. There is so much to do, and we're not sure when we leave yet, which is a little aggravating.  We probably won't go out there before we move so we will be finding a place off the internet. This is getting scary. We have so much to get done. You don't realize how much you accumulate when you live in one place....but as soon as you start to move, your like OMG where did all this stuff come from!?!?!?

I don't know if we're going to go down to a studio apt, or if we will be getting a 1 or 2 bedroom apt.....we just have to pray God shows us where in Ks to move to. I don't have any clue how we will afford a security deposit on an apartment, but I know God has everything worked out. I just wish he'd show me so I can be at peace. I'm constantly torn and not knowing what to do......what to pack and what to leave unpacked. We will have to pay and get the car legalized, tho we just did that in March here in Tn. Grrr. Licences are expensive out there in Ks it looks like. :(

There is so much to have to do. Do I get the dr records now or do I get them the day before we move? I'm so torn. My nerves are just gone. I don't sleep well anymore (for now at least) I wake up every morning with a HORRIBLE migraine. I'm so tired and all I wanna do is just disappear for a while.

However, more news is I sent the package to my s.i.l. Diane. She LOVED the bags I made, as well as her daughters. Diane and her husband Travis, and their daughters are an awesome group of people. I'm so excited to be part of their family. I really with out a doubt married the GREATEST man God could ever have given me, and he has the most amazing and wonderful family. I love them all!!!

Well, I guess I can stop rambling and go do something in this mess I call home for now.

*itching...

I hate the new blogger interface, i wish they would just leave it alone. In my opinion, they had it user friendly and wonderful and then they change it on you. I FINALLY found how to get to the old blogger interface. If they don't let you go back to the original blogger interface, i think i'll delete my blog and find another place to blog. The new one just isn't friendly. It makes everything harder to see and much much smaller. blah.

I've been working on this bag for what feels like forever and its impossible. I've started the last time i'm going to start. If i have to rip up again, i'm going to give up on this pattern and wait until someone makes me one. its horrible. It shouldn't be this hard for me. ARRRGGGHHHH.

travel room...

So I have been working on this room since I was a little girl, I'm still trying to get licence plates, postcards, key chains, and other various things for this room I have designed in my head. Getting it done seems like it may not happen.

I'm trying to get street signs as well, I love the used ones better than the new shiny ones, but those are either EXPENSIVE or else they have been recycled. Its really hard to see this in my head and not get it done. So I'm putting out a cry for help, or a plea.

IF you have a licence plate, key chain, road sign, or are going to anther or from another country and wouldn't mind to send me some of the things that I'm looking for please let me know. Right now I don't have money give, but if anyone would send me something off my list, I may one day get this room done.

I'll put a detailed list below of things I'm looking for and if you can help, feel free to email me!!

click this and it gets bigger

I have a licence plate from ireland (not an official one like i want, but one thats from ireland)
I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to have one from england, austraila, africa....well one from each country really.

I am also collecting coins from other countries as well. I have a small collection....but hope and pray it continues to grow.

At some point I'd love to have a map of every state as well, you know like the free ones from the welcome centers. But those are hard to get.

i want 2 of the lights that are usually over the interstate....

at some point i want a traffic light  and one of the walk no walk lights (ones with words and one with pictures)

don't really need/want with 4 sides, just one is enough, but want one

the list of signs I want isn't a complete one i'm sure, but here goes..... i know NOT all will be available here in usa, but I'll take what I can get...

LIST OF SIGNS WANTED

STOP – I have a small version

YIELD
INTERSTATE

DEAD END – I have a small version

RAIL ROAD CROSSING (YELLOWCIRCLE)

RAIL ROAD CROSSING (2 WHITE PIECES CROSSING)

KANGAROO CROSSING

DEER CROSSING

ALIGATOR CROSSING

BEAR CROSSING

DUCK CROSSING

COW CROSSING

MILE MARKERS 21 AND 28

SPEED LIMIT

TRAFFIC LIGHT AHEAD

SCHOOL CROSSING

ONE WAY

DO NOT ENTER

WRONG WAY

NO U TURN

SLOW KIDS PLAYING

MOOSE CROSSING

FIRETRUCK STATION

WATCH FOR FALLING ROCK

NO PARKING TOW ZONE

NO PARKING BUS STOP

SCHOOL SPEED LIMIT

BUMP

DIP

SHARE THE ROAD

HORSE DRAWN VEHICLE AHEAD

LOW CLEARANCE

PLAY GROUND

WORK ZONES

STREET SIGNS

RESERVED PARKING

PAY PHONE  

I have a REAL flag from USA, but would love a state flag from every state, I'd love to even have one from every country as well. I have a book of things I'm trying to get, and continue to add to this list tonight. I have a migraine and not doing this well right now. 

need pattern help

I have been in love with this pattern forever, its the easiest one imaginable. I mean easy peasy lemon squeezy easy.

Sugar'n Cream Naturals - Summer Totes (crochet)

 the pattern end up looking like this:

Instead of like this:

My mom who is an experienced knitter/crocheter has tried to help me, but we can't figure it out, i have done everything to make sure i'm not adding stitches, and not dropping/decreasing stitches, but it won't go straight. I don't know what to do. I'm left handed, does this have anything to do with why its not working straight??  any help out there??

Nervously Excited!!

Ok, so I have never really made anything to order. My mother in law (mom) and her hubby (pop) took some bags and things I have made to sell at their craft shows they go to, and Mom has been buying some for gifts and ended up sending 2 bags to my nieces. My sister in law (Diane) loves them and she wants to get some for her nieces. She wanted one blue/green and one pink/purple. So I'm not sure which ones Diane's girls were sent so I'm a little nervous hoping I make what she wants for her nieces.

So now that I have explained all that....lol....Diane, here is what I have made, and if you want something different, I'm good with that too...but here goes. lol.

not any color specified, but its red/black. draw string.
its pretty little or about the same size as the rest of the bags i'm listing.
THIS IS MADE FROM A PATTERN - NOT MY OWN  

bottom

Ok so its not pink/purple, its green/purple....its flat just shaped like a triangle....and has a short handle. its about 15 inches wide...at widest point and about 8 inches tall. NO PATTERN

This one is pink/purple. Its about 10 inches long. it has a little draw string handle. (maybe for wrist??)  THIS IS MADE FROM A PATTERN - NOT MY OWN

This is pink and a beige-ish color its about 7 inches tall. again has a draw string handle.
THIS IS MADE FROM A PATTERN - NOT MY OWN  

This is multi color blue....its just under 7 inches.  NO PATTERN.

This is light pink/purple-ish. My aunt calls it a mailbox purse....its flat on the back so it can lay flat against a person and rounded so it can hold things and have space. Its about 8 inches tall. Needs a button....I'll have to buy one or you can if you want/like this. NO PATTERN.

if you don't like any of the bags already made, I have this green/blue/white variegated yarn for the elder child if you like it.  

If you don't like any of the other bags, I have this for the younger child. its pink/purply/white variegated yarn, that is if you like it. 

diamond bag part 3 almost finished and purse contents

 side one of the bag....that is a couch cushion the bag is on, this things is HUGE!!!! I didn't follow gauge. I used bigger hook and bigger yarn. I mean its just absurdly HUGE!!!!!

This is the other side of the bag. The dark purply yarn from side 1 is what I put the whole bag together with. The multi color yarn has all the solid colors in it to kinda bring it together. However I think it kind of looks like a jester costume or something.

Once I got it together, I called my sister in law (she's petite in ever sense of the word) and asked her if she wanted a new skirt. The top is REALLY narrow and the bottom is bigger and bigger the further it goes down. She said I should sell it as a beach bag. My aunt said to sell it as an overnight travel bag. My mom said when she comes home we will line it. I'm kind of excited about that. I want to line it and then still probably sell it. I made the handles, but haven't attached them yet. I don't know if I'm going wait and attach it when we're lining the bag. I think I'm going to sell it because I don't want to use it for my purse, because that's what it would probably be....and let me show you what the contents of my purse are so you can see how big my purse needs to be already. lol.


Here are 2 separate angles  of the contents of my purse. I do however keep it all in a (i think its called) kangaroo keeper or something like that. its a little bag you put in your purse to organize it. I finally got one, well, 2 they come 2 to a box. The box was on clearance for like $5 or something not too expensive plus at target I get 5% off on top of whatever I get for a target card. Needless to say it was cheap. BUT totally needed for my bag.

Purse contents wayyyyy too much stuff.

Lets see, there is:

make up bag - tho i don't really wear makeup anymore, I still keep it in case the urge hits me to wear it. plus it has my lip balm in it so i know where it is at least. lol
extendable back scratcher
2 folding fans - i'm in menopause and need to have these in case I get too hot or just the air where ever I go is not moving.
Pens - i have to keep these on hand i have like 5 in my bag
I have picace oil and 2 other perfumes
there is like 4 flashlights - i'm afraid of the dark
ozium - self explanatory
meds for migraines
i took the gum out, I can't chew it....i need to put mints in my bag
2 kinds of lotion
2 kinds of badger balm - i love this stuff. its my new addiction
a whistle with built in compass and there may be matches inside but not sure
a lighter
2 little hand sanatizers
shout wipes
little first aid kit
wallet and another one for all the perks cards and stamp cards for places I go, oh yeah and gift cards.
s hook and purse hanger
a little notebook
a reusable bag for whatever i need it for
a colm, hair brush is too big
granola bars cause i get bitchy if i get hungry
and tooth pics
there's also a little trial bar of neem green tea soap. it smells good so i leave it in there.
I need to add baby wipes in there again
I haven't gone out in a few days, but when I go out, I always put 1 if not 2 bottles of water in my purse for my hubby and i or my momma and i.
I've thought about putting a little tp in my bag for those in case of emergency moments
I used to have a little thing of tissues, but ran out, I need to buy more.

Ok well, I have rambled enough so I'm going to work on my to do list some more. I need to read some of the chapter for the meeting I have with my sister in law tomorrow on messenger.

DIAMOND bag part 2 - more instructions

This is what the diamond bag is supposed to look like.
This was taken from a magazine.
I'm in no way the creator of this pattern.

This is what my first try looked like. Completely WRONG!!! 

This is what a finished diamond should look like. 

This is my best try at writing a pattern for how I made the diamond.

 I am a lefty. So my crochet hook will be on the opposite side of my crochet work as a righty will be, but it will look about the same. Good luck, hope this makes sense. My first walk through of the pattern.

I will say watch your sizing of the yarn and hook. Follow the pattern on that.  I didn't, and I'm not 100% done yet, but its HUGE.

Chain 11 like pattern says to do.

I should have said the next 9 stitches....

The last loop will have a total of 5 stitches in it.
MARK your MIDDLE stitch.

Mark your middle stitch. Total stitches in last loop is 5. 

Counting all the way around the whole thing there is 26 stitches.
I don't connect first and last stitches.

Continue working in this manner until it reaches 83 stitches. I'm not going to take a picture of every round, but it looks pretty much the same. The diamond will begin to appear after a few rounds.

This is what my diamond looks like finished.  One of the corners won't have 3, it will only have 2. I don't know why it worked that way for me, maybe I did something wrong, but that's how it happened for me.


Let me know if you can read everything. If not I can help you out....feel free to comment with any questions or if you need any help.

Want to save this? Download below!! :D

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B_QCXRpZ09CkRGlLQ0tOR2JUd2VpdjhBd3JKRjhKZw

just another wednesday....

So today for the 4th straight day in a row I had a migraine. Blah. I worked on the diamond bag a bit more today, dang this thing is HUGE. I used bigger yarn and bigger needle, I guess I really only needed like 1/2 the diamonds I made, but I wanted to follow the pattern before I try and rework it.

I had a great chat with my sister in law diane today. she's such an interesting person.

I've been doing lots of surfing on the internet, I found my mom and my favorite sock pattern. it looks like it will be EASY peasy lemon squeezy. its on knitty. its got something to do with a carousel in the name title. i'm excited for that pattern!!!

Gonna go play Star Wars Old Republic with hubby now. I steer where we go, and he presses all the other buttons. I'm such a wuss. I won't play alone. He let me make my own character so I can play, but he has ones he plays online with his brother. Its an AWESOME game!!!

DIAMOND BAG CROCHET

So my Mom got me a new magazine with this DIAMOND BAG pattern in it. It was translated from another country or something. Based off a pattern from the 70's I think I read. Its not written well. I honestly don't know how to write it out how to do it right, but I did a sketch at the bottom to show you what to do. It is called a diamond bag for a reason, the little spots are diamonds. Here is the bag what its supposed to look like done.....

This picture was taken out of the Love of Crochet Magazine pattern by Helen Myers

Here is what you get if you follow the crazy pattern. My mom who is an experienced knitter/crocheter helped me figure this out, and we were both like, "um, no?!" So here is what the pattern makes it look like its supposed to be.....

Here is what its really supposed to look like. Its a squiggly diamond. Not that above 5 pointed thingy!

Here is my sorry little sketch on how I got the squiggly diamond. You still start out with the chain 11. I found it easiest to put a marker in the middle (or 2nd  of 3 single crochet) to mark where to put the next single crochet 3 in 1. I hope this makes sense.

I'll post more when I get this finished. 

what to do...

I have no clue what we're going to do. My husband went to school to help make our lives better, and to earn more at work. He never got the raise promised. We're still next to poverty level or so we're told. When it came time to pay the student loans, they wanted $600 a month. We were promised reasonable payments when we got the student loans. $600 a month isn't reasonable when that's more than rent you pay. That's more than 1/2 the paycheck. We called the student loan company to try and work with them. They could get it down to just over $200 a month. Well, we still couldn't pay that. That's our food budget a month.

We're not frivolous people. My husband is still wearing the same holy jeans for 2 years now. I glue patches on from other old holy jeans because we can't afford to get him new ones. He broke his shoe lace over a month ago, and we still haven't had the funds to get him a new one. We get the needed food, and not much more than that. We have bought toilet paper, and paper towels in bulk when we had extra money....but we no longer have extra money. Our tax refund was taken. My husband's wages were garnished. They took 15% of each paycheck. Which equals out to almost $150 a pay check.

Once we pay the bills we have, now that the wages were garnished, that leaves us with $45 for food and gas for 2 weeks. Once we fill the gas tank in the car, that will leave us with between $15 and $25 depending upon how much gas we have left. We go to the store once every 2 weeks. We other wise don't leave the house accept husband going to work.

I'm going to have to give up my hormones due to we can't afford them any longer. I had to have a complete hysterectomy last year. I have no ovaries, no cervix, no uterus, no Fallopian tubes, nothing in the reproductive area any more. I was hemorrhaging so bad I was going through MORE than a bag of heavy over night pads a week. I couldn't use tampons. I was costing us over $100 a month in just feminine hygiene products.

I wake up everyday crying now. I no longer see our future as bright. I don't know how long we can last like this. I do what I can to keep us going, but I'm losing hope and faith fast. We're too white to get help through the state. If we were black or mexican or anything other than white, we could get help through the state.

My mom is here, and she has $100 to help with groceries this week, but thats just this week. She has no more money. She is broke. She stopped here on her way to florida to see her grandkids, and because of  my husband and my financial issues she's got to push back her trip.

People keep telling me I need to work, I know this, but how do you work with migraines CONSTANTLY. I have an immune system made of crap. You look at me wrong and I get something else. I haven't gotten my hormones adjusted right and still having night sweats and hot flashes all the time. I'm so nervous I shake or cry all the time. I can't afford the meds I need to make me normal. We have one car and not enough money to pay gas to drive it back and forth between 2 jobs. We did that before and most of my paychecks went to filling the gas tank.

I feel like I'm swirling down the hole of a toilet. Once you get caught in the swirl, there's no getting out. You just get flushed. The food banks in the area seem to charge for a box, or your limited to how many times you can come for help. The churches help africa, and other countries, unless your a member of the church and then you might get help. But to become a member, you have to pay for gas, and classes and go through their rituals, and I'm not interested. I mean when did God say "you must be a member of the church to get help?" or " you must attend my church on a regular basis for us to help you with food?" I mean I thought God just helped the needy. But everyone has to put restrictions on the help you can get.

We're going to have to get rid of our guinea pigs, for the simple fact we need to feed us instead of them. We just can't afford them anymore. There goes more enjoyment out the door. UGH. We have sold just about everything we have thats worth anything. I know I know, sell your computers, well, they are old. They won't bring in much. Well, somethings more than nothing. Yeah, but if we don't have a little entertainment in our lives, we may just slit our wrists and be done with it all.

I mean husband and I have NOTHING to look forward to, other than death. Then we will be out of this horrible mess we're in because we tried to better ourselves. I mean if i work, my student loans will come after me too. So we have no real way to step up. No way to get out of this mess. Our savings account has $5 in it. We had to pull the rest of our money out to buy windshield wipers because the ones we have on our car are cutting the glass and we can't replace a windshield, so we have to replace the wipers before it brakes the glass completely. Next month we have to re-legalize our car, but don't have the $100 we need to do that.

There's no one left to help us. My mom and step dad HAVE to get the taxes paid on the house we're in by the end of the month, and if they don't, then we will lose it. My mom can't even afford her pills right now.  All my uncles and aunts are in just as hard of a place as we are. I mean one uncle and aunt lost their house. my cousin may lose his. my other aunt lives out back. another uncle is living in trailers in wv and has a broken back. the only other uncle there is, is barely staying afloat where he is. My grandparents aren't in a position to help. my siblings aren't able to do anything. They have kids they have to take care of.....and my twin sister is in korea with the military.

I'm just so completely out of hope, out of a desire to continue on. I go to bed each night asking God to take me to heaven to be with him. Then I realize that would leave my husband in a worse place then he is already.

I know God takes care of his kids, its just hard to see how he's gonna do it. My mother and husband are both as depressed as I am, if not worse. My hubby and I have no friends in the area, and no way to make them or afford friends, since to have friends in this day and age, you have to be able to go out and spend money and drive places. Well, when your us, you have no money to do anything or drive anywhere that isn't work.

I mean is this a lesson I'm supposed to be learning? I don't get it. I haven't really had the easiest life. We have struggled since I can remember. I always thought God was going to give me a child....well, thats gone. I can't get pregnant anymore. I mean does he want me to live in the depth of despair? Is that where my life is supposed to be?

I'm going to try and sell some more books and videos, and anything else i can get my hands on.  Mom came here to get relaxed, and to get out of depression, but I think we have put her even farther into depression. She now sees how we are living.

Husband  and I have discussed quitting his job and us just being homeless. Panhandling on the street to survive. Sleeping in our car thats not registered after march.

I hate people who wallow in their lives, but thats about all i can afford to do now. I don't know what else to do. I think i'm going to go back to bed now. I can't be awake any longer. its too hard today.

we have discussed bankruptcy, but that costs money and we'd need a lawyer to help us with the student loan aspect, but we don't even have funds for that. I no longer crochet because i'm afraid i'm going to run out of yarn and don't want that to happen so i sit and do nothing now days. my will to better myself and to do anything at all has just evaporated.

comments are open to anyone. feel free to share.

today's thoughts....

So my sister in law (Diane) sent me a book for Christmas, I will admit at first I was like hmph, a book. Great just what I need. Then I read what she wrote inside the book. She wanted to do the study in this book with me. I have to admit, that changed my attitude. People are ALWAYS willing to give you a self help book, but not many of them are willing to do a self help book (if thats what this is, i don't really know how to categorize this book) with you. So she has emailed me and she already started it, so i'm playing a little catch up....but I have to say I'm not even done with the first chapter, and I'm excited. Its getting me to look at myself and really think and also getting me to read the Bible.

I'm still working on that crochet blanket for mom....when I'm going to finish it, i'm not sure i'm going to try to finish it in the next 2 - 3 months......at most. She saw it when she was here for christmas and thanksgiving. She loves it.....

Since thanksgiving, my aunt has come to live in the little house beside us, on the same property. She has lived there once before, but she's back. Last time she wasn't ok with living there, this time, she seems more ok to be there, but at the same time wants her independence....but isn't really independent. She is using our laundry detergent, mom's fabric softener. We have been giving her food and needs, but we're out of money, not about out, we are OUT of money. She came over today thinking she was gonna get coffee, but I didn't make any and I'm trying to save what we have for me and my husband since my husband is who works so we can have stuff. She seems to be a little mad I didn't make her any coffee, but I'm not giving everything to her and she expects to be cared for and gets mad when she's not.  We got her a bed because she didn't have one. I had to get it off craigslist and all i had was $40. Well, she's done nothing but bitch about that bed since she's been here. She acts like she wants me to pay for something better for her and I don't have it and I won't. She's got a job, but she spends most of her money on cleaning products or cigarettes. She acts like she's starving to death, but her millionaire boyfriend isn't helping her. I say he's either not that wealthy or else they make the stupidest couple ever, she won't let him help her because she's independent and he won't help her because she's independent. So I say bullshit on all of it.

I guess I need to do more on the book I'm reading because as you can tell with this rant of a blog today, that I'm not acting very wonderful, and excellent. (the title of the book is "becoming a woman of excellence") so I'm going to go shove my nose into that some more and get over my aunt until she comes in again for laundry.

I do have to admit one more thing before I get off here....I have found something I thought I lost a long time ago. I found my FAVORITE pocket item....I found my leatherman micra. I'm excited. Other than that....I think I've been better over the last couple days. I have swept the entire house and removed all trash and started a good will pile!! YAY!!! My sinus infection I think is in its last phase.....so I'm FINALLY getting over that! Double YAY!! I actually even packed lunch for my husband for work.

I'm trying to be a better me and learn who I am. I'm not sure where to find that out, but I'm talking more with husband and I'm reading this book and the Bible....I'm praying a little more than I have in a while. I feel like things are starting to turn around. FINALLY!!!

lost in life...

Well, its been a while since I last wrote. Its not like anyone really noticed or anything, but I thought I'd stop in and update it just in case I have any readers.

Well, thanksgiving i had 6 people in my house including me and my husband. That lasted for about a week. That was a crazy week. I don't really remember details or anything. I should have written about it right after, but it went well. That week, I enjoyed my grandparents more than I have in my entire life. They were completely sweet and understanding, generous and loving. Which has never been a way I could describe my grandparents. They have always been rather abrupt, not so understanding, not generous to me EVER, and I'm sure they have always loved in their conditional love kind of way. But at thanksgiving, they were everything they have never been.

Four days before Christmas there were 5 people in the house.....then Christmas was 11 people in my home, including hubby and me, for 5 days. Then 10 people for 7 days. It was a wild 2 weeks. I went to Walmart I think more than 15 times in the 2 weeks. I went to Kroger about 10 times if not more. I went to cvs like 5 times. I'm TOTALLY tired and worn out. I can't even remember how many items I had to return for my grandmother. I'm probably not supposed to tell all the OCD things that happened while family was here. But let me tell you, in the 2 weeks family was here, I could probably write a novel from all the craziness.

I enjoyed the family being here even with the stresses. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED having my brother and his family here and my momma. I love watching the 3 kids interact with my mom. Those children love my mother more and more and they bring my mom to life more than anything/anyone else has/can. I love spending time with my 2 nephews and my niece. They are wonderful children. I adore my sister-in-law. I loved spending time cooking and talking with her. I was glad that my brother and my husband (who were friends before my marriage) got to go out and spend time together. I even got to steal a few minutes with my brother as well. I love the man my brother has turned into.

We all took turns being sick, and I'm still on my turn. I don't know who started it, but I feel horrible. I think its a sinus infection, and my ears are killing me too.

My aunt is living next door since thanksgiving, but hasn't really been there since then....she's staying with her boyfriend. But she's now been next door for 2 days, and she's got no tv and her computer is riddled with viruses, so she's got nothing to do over there for entertainment....so she's trying to stay over here with me since I have tv and internet. I'm trying to be understanding, but right now, I just wanna be alone and stay in bed all day and night.

I've been looking forward to my husband coming home tonight since we have the house alone, but he just called me and told me he's not sure he will be able to come home until around midnight since someone at work had a death in his family and the other guy won't do runs in the van cause he's an idiot. He won't go the speed limit and drives like he's a nascar driver or something stupid like that, he gets a ticket everytime he does a run. So now my husband is working double time trying to get everything done today that he usually has all week to do. I'm not a happy camper. He's coming home, but just not sure when. I know he's actually at work, this is the craziest time of year, but i'm menopausal, and missing my husband and sicker than sick and just want my love home.

I'm so tired and hurt all over and just want what i want and i can't have what i want right now so i'm trying not to cry so i don't have more problems breathing, but crying is all i feel like doing right now.