Thursday, December 9, 2010


So I thought I had kidney stones, but apparently I don't. I have to go see a specialist tomorrow (urologist). I'm also fighting ear infection, and soars in my mouth, and diarrhea, fever. I don't know if I'm having more migraines or what, but i can't touch my hurts to lay my head down on a pillow, move my neck, touch my neck. I've had a period for over 2 months now due to the pcod. I'm tired, but can't sleep. I'm hungry, but it hurts to eat. my eyes won't stop twitching. my heart constantly aches because I'm not pregnant, but now i'm starting to think about just going ahead with the surgery to have all the girly things removed. I'm tired all the time. I hurt all the time. I want to be healthy.

i don't know if anyone will read this, but if so please pray for me. i'm tired of fighting to sleep, and fighting to wake up once i am alseep. I'm tired of pain in my body. I'm tired of pmsing for months on end only to have a surgery to make it stop for a little while. I'm tired of not working and helping with money coming in. I'm tired of always being horribly broke, and asking for money to be able to go to the dr. i'm tired for my hubby who never has a break. he works non stop and comes home and cares for me. i just want to be better or else find a place to be put so hubby doesn't have to care for me all the time. i'm wearing down and wearing him down too. my mom constantly worries about me, and she's caring for her old and dying mean parents. all the while she's wearing down, she's already had to have stents put in her heart.

i just want life to be a little less hard. we have decisions that need to be made, and have no clue what to do. my parents are starting to go under paying on this house we live in, and we pay as much as we can in rent, but we need to move and have no money to do now we are trying to figure out what to do. where do we move? how do we pay to move?

i'm so broken, and the pieces are just getting smaller and smaller, and if something doesn't let up i'm not going to be able to be fixed. i try praying, but i feel like such a hypocrite. I don't go to church. I cuss. We've started reading the Bible, but as soon as we started i went on 3 trips and its hard to do something together when your in different states. I don't know how to continue going on, but don't wanna end my life either. There is so much stress and pressure on me all the time, and no way to make it go away.

I started a job that seemed perfect for me, but now that i'm sick, i can't even use the phone. it hurts too much to talk and i cough every time i talk. it hurts my ears to put phone up to my ears, due to ear infection. they email me everyday, and all i can say is not today. i feel like a failure all the damn time. I'm so tired of being a let down. i serve no purpose in this world.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Not just any monday....the best

So today started out the greatest ever. My hubby woke me up by morning delight. It was the most wonderful morning EVER. We then went out and had a light morning breakfast....we shared a drink and a sandwich and 2 sides. It was simple, but fun and cheap. We then went to the parthenon park and walked around taking pictures. it was really nice out and fun.

I'm thankful that my hubby is happy in life with simple things. we just walked and talked and took pics and we got to sit in a 2 seater was just cozy and relaxing. Nathan chose to take us to Chili's for lunch. It was the most we had laughed and talked and were unplugged, well, for the most part. We each had a margarita.....i got the sunrise one, it was the most refreshing drink ever. We then went and saw the movie salt. that was good, but nothing i've gotta own or anything.

I haven't enjoyed a day so much in a long time. it was the most wonderful relaxing day. I was thankful for being able to work and be a little sore so we could have such a relaxing day. I think it made me even more excited and enjoy the life even more because I knew that Nathan was really looking forward to it too. My hubby works his butt off and doesn't  get to decide how to spend the money, and this was an IMPORTANT investment into him and into our relationship. I couldn't have spent that money in any better way.

Thank you God for my husband and for the Thomas the Train job so I could have such an enjoyable day.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Rantings and brokenness

I've realized that I'm becoming more and more of a negative person, and a hermit. I don't like being negative, I've always been a pretty positive person, but the older I get the harder it is to stay that way. I realize why I'm a hermit, because everything in this world is focused on money, and thats becoming more and more of a rare commodity.

Here are some of the struggles I wake up to every day:

01. No motivation
02. Nothing to look forward to
03. Not knowing myself
04. Having no way to reach my ambitions/dreams (being a mom)
05. Having something wrong with me and no money to go to the dr
       to find out whats wrong
06. Having no friends that have time to be a friend, and no one local to have
      outtings with (gal friends)
07. Realizing that I don't know who I am and don't know how to figure it out
08. Knowing I've strayed from God, wanting to go back to Him, and not
      being able to do it....I'm scared, I have so many questions, but getting
      answers from people that are either over my head or don't relate to  me....
09. Having fear surrounding me, and the inability to get past it
10. Knowing that my husband struggles daily with depression and anxiety,
       and not knowing how to help

Here is what I have that gets me out of bed each day:

01. My wonderful, loving, supportive, caring, understanding hubby
02. My wonderful, loving, supportive, caring, understanding momma
03. The knowledge that I can thank God for those 2 EVERYDAY

its hard to have people think they know you who know nothing about what you struggle with daily/hourly. i would love to have a job that i can hold down and look forward to going to and help support my family.

i physically have so much going on in me and i don't know what all of it is, but its over whelming and some days its easier to just stay in bed and do nothing. there are days where all i do is cry. i'm easily over whelmed by being me and waking up.

i have a to do list that never shrinks, its constantly growing, and its too over whelming to look at much less try and complete. I have a needs list that hasn't been touched in so long, and my hubby works so hard and its hard enough to try and just pay the bills and have money for food and gas, i can't tell him all the things we need. he's already over whelmed enough.

i have a family that is split and cracked. and there is no way to mend it, or work on it. too many people are "right" or  not gonna change or let anyone else change. it breaks my heart that a family can't be there for each other. the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally are the ones that hurt, accuse, blame, guilt, and spreading lies. i'm tired of being hurt and seeing the ones i love being hurt.