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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Rantings and brokenness

I've realized that I'm becoming more and more of a negative person, and a hermit. I don't like being negative, I've always been a pretty positive person, but the older I get the harder it is to stay that way. I realize why I'm a hermit, because everything in this world is focused on money, and thats becoming more and more of a rare commodity.

Here are some of the struggles I wake up to every day:

01. No motivation
02. Nothing to look forward to
03. Not knowing myself
04. Having no way to reach my ambitions/dreams (being a mom)
05. Having something wrong with me and no money to go to the dr
       to find out whats wrong
06. Having no friends that have time to be a friend, and no one local to have
      outtings with (gal friends)
07. Realizing that I don't know who I am and don't know how to figure it out
08. Knowing I've strayed from God, wanting to go back to Him, and not
      being able to do it....I'm scared, I have so many questions, but getting
      answers from people that are either over my head or don't relate to  me....
09. Having fear surrounding me, and the inability to get past it
10. Knowing that my husband struggles daily with depression and anxiety,
       and not knowing how to help

Here is what I have that gets me out of bed each day:

01. My wonderful, loving, supportive, caring, understanding hubby
02. My wonderful, loving, supportive, caring, understanding momma
03. The knowledge that I can thank God for those 2 EVERYDAY

its hard to have people think they know you who know nothing about what you struggle with daily/hourly. i would love to have a job that i can hold down and look forward to going to and help support my family.

i physically have so much going on in me and i don't know what all of it is, but its over whelming and some days its easier to just stay in bed and do nothing. there are days where all i do is cry. i'm easily over whelmed by being me and waking up.

i have a to do list that never shrinks, its constantly growing, and its too over whelming to look at much less try and complete. I have a needs list that hasn't been touched in so long, and my hubby works so hard and its hard enough to try and just pay the bills and have money for food and gas, i can't tell him all the things we need. he's already over whelmed enough.

i have a family that is split and cracked. and there is no way to mend it, or work on it. too many people are "right" or  not gonna change or let anyone else change. it breaks my heart that a family can't be there for each other. the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally are the ones that hurt, accuse, blame, guilt, and spreading lies. i'm tired of being hurt and seeing the ones i love being hurt.