Saturday, July 30, 2011

hard times...

My heart is breaking right now. My parent's can't afford to pay their bills because they just had to pay for her eye surgery and prescriptions. I can't afford to pay all our bills either...we keep making our food budget go down more and more.....lately we have been living on ramen noodles. We don't get to go out and date, we don't spend money friviously. We stay in the house all the time. We can't afford to go anywhere because we don't have money for gas. My hubby goes to work and comes home. Once every 2 weeks we go food shopping, other than that we're home.

Its hard to get a job when there's only one car and we work in 2 different directions. So we have agreed that he will work and i'm a house wife, plus i always am sick or fighting off something. Now there's also menopause. We've gone for help shortly after we moved here, and we earn too much to get help. How I don't know but whatever. So here we sit and not knowing what to do.

I know there are people worse off than us, but its still hard being in the situation we are in. I think we're just going to have to start selling everything. I don't know, I'm just having a hard time.

Friday, July 29, 2011

I'm happy for you.....but......

So I hate naming my blogs. Its the worst part of the blogging well, naming it and then the labeling/tagging. Horribly hard.

So I'm sitting here looking through blogs and the first thing I see on the last 5 I look at is new born babies. I'm glad your parents, but its hard for me to see it. Let me explain why...I have to go back and give you a little history about me. So here goes....

I wanted for most of my life (first 28 years) to be nothing more than a wife and a mother. I'm a wife!! Yay! I'm not a mother. I have poly cystic ovarian disease. I was hemorrhaging for months at a time. My periods lasted me nothing short of a month and never longer than 2 years. I didn't get to do normal things younger people get to do. I had a hard time with infertility and feeling like a desirable woman. I mean who wants to be with someone who bleeds for months at a time!? I didn't even want to be with me. I mean every time my husband and I made love, it look like someone had been murdered in our bed. Nasty! and not in the good way. 

I had been on birth control pills since I was 14 i think. I was up to 4 pills a day trying to stop the bleeding. I had had like I don't know somewhere between 2 and 4 dnc's.....but they stopped working. I had a biopsy of my uterus trying to make sure I didn't have any cancerous anything in me. I didn't, but the uterus lining was REALLY thick since I never had a period. I had weird bleeding. I don't know where it was coming from. Cysts rupturing? I dunno...

At 28 years old I finally said I'm done. I'm tired. I'm going to die if this doesn't stop. I talked to my husband and my mother and I prayed. We all agreed that it was time to talk to my doctor about a hysterectomy. My doctor was talking about doing more tests, but I decided I couldn't live through the tests again. I wanted to be done. I mean I was having hot flashes and mood swings, bleeding, and having to shave my face and neck everyday. I could do with everything as long as the bleeding went away.

So february of this year (2011) I had a complete hysterectomy. Yay!!! But then the dr says, "you could have some bleeding for a little while after the surgery". Well, shit. I've gone through all this and STILL HAVE BLEEDING??? NO!!!  Thankfully, I had only 2 spots of bleeding after surgery!! Go dr!!!! She did GREAT!!! She (my dr) also prayed with me before surgery. That meant so much to me, my hubby and my mommy! If you live in nashville, tn and need a GRREAT gyn let me know I'll refer her to you., you to her!? whatever.

I now have hot flashes and can break into tears at the blink of an eye. But there's no bleeding. I still shave my face and neck every time I shower. I know I gave up the option of going through more testing and the possibility of ever having kids. But that doesn't change the fact that its still hard for me to deal with other people's happiness of having babies.

My sister in law was wary of telling me she was preggo last year because she knew I was going through all this. I am/was so happy for her and my brother. I love my nephews and niece. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I still have days when I break into tears thinking about never feeling a life growing within me. Of never knowing the feeling of birthing a baby. I know I have the option to adopt, but I know me. I know I would forever be scared knowing that the child could grow up and say your not my mother, I don't love you I don't have to listen to you. I'd be scared of knowing that there is someone out there who could come and say that is my child, and I want him/her back. I couldn't live with that.

I'm learning more daily about menopause. I just learned yesterday that in menopause you get dry skin and you need to moisturize daily. I never have done that, I'm not a girly girl. I learned that I'm now more acceptable to get more UTI's. Ugh like I need more of those. I learned that's what's wrong with my brain (its called fuzzy thinking or something like that). Why I can't think of words sometimes. That causes me to cry often. That's all menopause. But its better than bleeding all over myself and my bathroom every time I had to go potty. Yes, I just said potty.

My mom understands what I'm going through even tho she could have children. So to help me, she got my hubby and I a guinea pig. My nephew helped us name her. Her name is Pistachio. Then a couple days later we got 2 more for free. We named them, with help of friends on facebook, Pepper, and Patches. All 3 are girls.

Ok I'm rambeling. At least I didn't tell you about how I met my hubby. I will save that for another post. I don't remember what I was leading toward when I started this. I just start something and then I get on a tangent and then I all the sudden just quit. So that's what i'm doing now, I'm quitting this post for now. Thanks for reading.

Talkin, title, rambeling...

I still have no settled on a title for my blog...I continue to work on a list until I figure out which one is the best description of my blog and me. I want this blog to be something anyone and everyone will read. I want people to relate to me.

I am the most open person and am willing to talk openly about anything. So feel free to comment and ask questions. Start a conversation about anything here. This is a safe place to talk. Ask questions, ask advice, need a woman's perspective? I'm a woman.

I'm trying to find my nitch...give me time, believe in me and keep following my blog! I look forward to talking to you! :D

Thursday, July 28, 2011

!?!? I mean really !?!?

I don't know why, but today started not so lovely. I woke up thinking it was really early, and reached for my hubby and he wasn't there. Then I looked at the time and started choking back the tears. I don't know why but today is just a totally blah day. I'm still fighting tears and I have no motivation to do anything. However, I did do most of the dishes. Yay!

I don't know if its menopause, mood swings, being a woman, or what, but tears are REALLY close to the surface.

I'm taking wormwood, and I think i'm starting to have die off of yeast. I'm fighting off an ear infection, i feel awful. I just want my hubby or my mommy here to rub my head and hold me. I'm having a REALLY REALLy off day. So tired no matter what sleep I get.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Laundry, procrastination, and hot flashes

So I admit, I'm not a driven person. I'm actually pretty lazy. I procrastinate and try and put things off onto other people. Husband, mother, visitors, anyone so that I'm not doing it. I'm always feeling guilty for not cleaning or doing anything, but at the same time I don't feel like doing anything.

I'm trying to better myself. I'm trying to get the house cleaner. Today, I waited on a phone call from my sister in law to work on a craigslist add, but she needed more information from my brother before we could do the adds. So, well, I ended up talking to her for a while. And I talked to my mother on messenger for a bit. I called my hubby and said I'm not going to get anything done today...but SURPRISE!! I got almost all the laundry put away. I have only underwear, socks, towels and sheets left to put away! I'm so proud of me! All of that was done during hot flashes. Ewww. At least I have a fan I can aim at me to help keep me cool. Hot flashes are the worst, but so much better than pms and menstrual cycles.

After I finish the laundry, I plan on weaving on cardboard to make a hammock for our guinea pigs. Hubby's request. He wants them to have hammocks. We can't afford to buy them so I'm making them. Yay! :D

Anywho, back to work. I'll write more later! :D

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


So today I worked most of the day on a logo type thing for a business my mom and I are wanting to start. I love this site i found called I took pictures and then went there and then i edited the pictures, its GREAT! you don't have to sign up. you don't have to do anything other than upload whatever picture you want to edit and then save it to your computer.

its a work in progress, but here are the pictures of what I did today. Enjoy! :D
Origional Image

there is so many more I did, but these are some of my favorites! :D 

my absolute favorite......just because of the yarn...

Sunday, July 24, 2011

needing wanting for design idea...

So I have been trying to get a licence plate, key chain, and post card from every state for a design I have had since I was little. This is how close I am. I'd love to get a flag and a map too, but thats pushing it a bit. I have the internet and getting flag and maps of each state and that will do. But I really want the real thing for key chains, licence plates and post cards for every state. I would love to have it for every country too, but that would be crazy. I at least want Australia, Africa, Japan, China and Ireland. I have all but a key chain from Ireland, since my sister went there. But, here is my list of what I have/need. If you're reading this and will help leave me a comment and I'll give you my email and I'll give you my address from there. 

need post cards from:
tennessee - i can get this next time i go out....since I live here. lol. 
north dakota
new jersey
new hampshire

keychains i have: 

licence plates i have:
West Virginia

thanks for reading.


Well, life happens, but I'm not apologizing for not being on here. I just will get you up to date now. I have been sick, and have been crocheting up a storm. I have given up on the three cornered bag for now, I can't figure it out on my own, and mom is dealing with a lot of family drama up in west virginia. Plus she just had eye surgery.

I'm loving making the 3 and 4 sided bags. I'm going to try and come up with a pattern completely on my own. I love making things and trying things out. I want to see how I can come up with crocheting something onto the bottom of my jeans. I'm such a long legged person and then a plus size, getting pants to fit around me as well as as long as me, is hard. So I haven't been wearing my jeans since they are too short. So I'm going to try my hardest to work on adding length to the bottom of my pants. As well as putting away all the laundry. lol. Its all clean and sitting at the bottom of my bed in clear trash bags. Hubby is wonderful to wash the laundry since I'm terrified of the basement. I just haven't gotten the bedroom how I want it and don't want to put the laundry away and then have to move all the laundry into what I want it in....but I'm going to anyways, hubby deserves to have all the laundry put away and not have to go searching for socks every day.

I got a package in the mail the other day from my dad and step-mother. It was awesome!!! I got lots of new shoes (2 pair especially I love!!!) A new jacket - LOVE that!!! And hubby says it looks good on. I'll have to add a picture later of me in that. New to me purses. Which I'm an addict of. And some weight watchers info...thats kind of interesting and I'm trying to read the books she sent to learn about it. They also sent me earrings - i think they may have gotten them in ireland when they were there. The earrings are claddaughs. I love claddaugh items. I have 2 rings that are claddaughs. I love the irish heritage of the claddaugh, I love the meaning, and its beautiful.

Well, its now almost 1pm and I haven't eaten breakfast yet, so I'm gonna go eat with hubby and I'll try and write more/add pictures later. Thanks for reading if anyone does! :D

Thursday, July 21, 2011

random thingy

its cracked i swear. under the black gunk. and half way around the side of it. i was freaked out. never had that happen before

so i was burning a candle all day trying to get it to burn even.....well i have NEVER had one burn to where there was NO wax left......until today. And then once it burnt dry of wax....the glass broke. I was shocked. here is the end result.

new creations....

2 bags i made. no pattern used, just made them. don't know what to do with them now. the little brownish bag is 4 sided, and the orangish bag is 3 sided. 

Monday, July 18, 2011

three cornered handbag

So far trying out this pattern, is a pain in my ass. I hate it. Its written in another language. I have my mom helping me, but she's in another state and another time zone and having surgery tomorrow. Its annoying as hell. I can't tell how many times I have done and redone the same rows. 

Here is rows 1 - 5

Here is round 1 

Here is Round 2 
Here is Round 3 
Here is first try rounds 5 - 7

Here is 2nd try Rounds 5 - 7

Here is 3rd try Rounds 5 - 7
still trying, and undoing, making sure rounds are even every round, and trying to figure out how to do this pattern. i want this bag so bad and still don't know how to do it. I wish there were better pictures of the bag and I wish there was also pictures of this in progress. I will continue to work on this until I get it.....waiting on mom tho. tired of doing it wrong. 

Sunday, July 17, 2011


So weekends are what gets me through the week. My hubby is off for 2 days and those are the days we spend doing nothing other than being together. Usually we are playing video games or watching tv or movies just being home and being lazy, but today I have been working on my household notebook. That thing is getting bigger and bigger. I have so much in there and I'm finally getting rid of the multiple notebooks I've been having to keep track of. Its WONDERFUL!!!!!

here is a list of what I've got in there so far:

our wedding vows, not sure why, but its there.
bill of rights
buisness cards for restaurants, drs, people who come work on the house, etc.
a calendar for the community center down the road
html cheat sheet
planner - really its just family birthdays/anniversaries
grocery lists - i still need to make this more personal for our household
family phone numbers, addresses, and email addys
our favorite recipes
menus for local places we like
a household needs list - and i think i'm going to add a wishlist in this tab too
cleaning info, recipes and stuff i find thinking it will help me clean more
medical information
bible reading plans - and i intend to add a journal in this tab for when i'm reading through the bible
passwords, and copy of cards that we have in our wallets in case they are stolen
information for our guinea pigs
birth certificates and marriage license, college transcripts
and then a whole lot of blank  tabs, extra paper, card holder pages, and sheet protectors

i'm continually looking over the web for more ideas of things I need to add to this household notebook. other than that its been video games and lounging round the house as normal!! We have to do things that are free and don't use any gas since we don't have money for more.

This past week my step dad lost his mother is trying to get money to get her cataract lens replacement far she's $300 short. I'm praying there is a way to get this money in 3 days. Anyways, I guess I'm gonna get off here and go play and relax a bit more.

Friday, July 15, 2011


well, i'm still trying to get that other bag figured isn't making sense to me...damn my menopausal mind. Or maybe its just because I don't have someone here to talk to and work with right now. So instead of getting myself worked up trying to figure out a pattern i can't comprehend, I decided to work on something i barely have to pay attention to. So its the swirling bag pattern I made again. the other 2 bag's patterns name is surf's up!

 just added a flower or a little something on the front of the bags, and didn't like the shoulder strap on the blue one, but did add one on the green one. the green bag right here, i added 2 round things. I didn't like the pattern how it was written, and didn't like the way the drawstring and the shoulder strap were made so i changed the pattern and also changed the drawstring and shoulder strap pattern...but anyways, here is what i have done.

The blue and multi color bag is paton's grace yarn.

this is the bottom of the swirling bag, and the next picture is the side view, I'm still working on it, so its not completely done, but close enough so you can tell what it looks like. i make this bag all the time, its my brainless project. i usually have a few projects going at a time just like any crafter.

So I've added pictures of the 3 bags i'm finishing or have finished over the last 2 days. I thought i wouldn't have enough yarn for one bag much less making 2 bags out of 2 skeins of yarn. I COMPLETELY love sinfonia yarn! Its my favorite yarn to work with so far. The 2 green bags are synfonia.

other than that i'm not sure what else to write about. I'm kind of excited I have been talking to my sister-in-law each day for 3 days in a row now. I love it! :D

i think i really want to learn how to sew so i can line these bags! but they all are wonderful even with out lining.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

newest challenge....

ok today i'm working on a 3 cornered handbag....vintage, i'm in love with this pattern, and REALLY wanna make it. here's the link: however i don't know what's wrong with me, i can't get it. i'm kinda stumped on the first 3 rows. its like an alien language to me. I'm dying to make it, but can't get my mom on the phone and don't have anyone else i can call for help on this.

i'm making a plea to my blog and any potential readers, if you have made this, can you help me make sense out of this...would you email me and post pictures or anything like that?!

thanks for reading, once i get this done i will post pics. i'm sure. yay i finally figured out how to add a picture!! lol


Today was nice, for the first time in a while I actually got to talk to my sister in law. She just called me outta the blue and actually had time to talk. I also got to hear their (my brother and sister in law's) baby cooing. I miss having my family around. 

Apparently all my family had a good laugh when my husband and I made a facebook page for our 3 guinea pig daughters and sent friend request to them. You should check it out (whoever you may be) the link is or check out  their video/live feed page .

Today I payed bills, and spent the day in tears for no real reason. However, I do get to get my refill of hormones again today thanks to my mom and step dad. 

I'm thinking of turning this blog into a craft blog. You know the kind showing what pattern I'm working on right now, or what I have created. I crochet mostly, but knit some, and my mom is gonna teach me how to sew when she gets back. I'm excited to learn. 

I don't have a ton to talk about due to the fact that I'm a homemaker, but I do want to try and write or do something on here each day. Today I added pics from animal crossing city folk onto my facebook page. 

I have a todo list thats ever growing and the desire gets less and less daily. What motivates you? What drives you? What do you desire to do? What are you hobbies?

Monday, July 11, 2011

Rambelings and updates

Well, its been a long time since I last wrote here. I'm trying to make changes to me and to my life. I know, I have no drive, but I have a desire. I am trying to push myself into getting up and doing something everyday. I want to lose weight, I want to clean my house (or learn how to and then do it).....I want to become a better wife for my husband and how to become a better daughter to my mother. I also want to learn how to know me and learn how to stand up for myself. I'm trying to edit my mouth, but that is as hard if not harder than all these other things I'm wanting/trying to do.

I'm a crafter. I knit and crochet all the time, i make bags constantly..some times with patterns and sometimes with out being my own creations. I'm waiting on my mother to come back home, she's going to teach me how to sew. I want to line the bags and maybe sell them. I have a desire to build. I want to build so bad. My husband and my couch, love seat and chair were free on craigslist, but they are starting to sag and not be so sturdy and hurt our backs. We want to try and build a couch with storage under it, but don't really know how or know what we're doing, and dont really have the tools to do so. So I've been looking online, and looking on craigslist and trying to figure out how to do this.

We have 3 guinea pigs who need a bigger home and not enough money to do so, so we're setting up a web cam for them and  facebook page and i don't know what else hubby is doing, but we want to maybe start making guinea pig merchandise and selling and making a page for them with a donate button and all. But for now they are happy piggies. We love them and they love their veggies. lol.