Thursday, December 1, 2011

pissy mood...

I have a cousin who's life has been nothing but perfect. She gets everything she wants. It makes me mad. She's more shallow than spit in a spoon. I found out she has infertility issues, and I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She doesn't talk about things that aren't happy. She just had her kid, and it pisses me off to see her pics, talk about her or even hear her name. I know I shouldn't have this hate in my heart against her, but I don't know how to remove it. I'm not happy for her. I wish her nothing but a hard life. I hate to admit this, but maybe getting it out of me will help. If you read this please pray for me. I have even found myself wishing her baby to be born with problems. Its horrible, and I hate me being this way, but how can I stop it?

My life hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination. I have had MANY struggles and fights. I have a lot of hurt and problems I have to work through. I will never have a child of my own. I have had so many heartaches, and this cousin of mine, has had the worlds easiest life. How is that fair?

I don't hate anyone else in my family. My brother and his wife had a child this time last year, and I was nothing but happy for them. I love all 3 of their kids.

Father God, please remove this hatred from my heart. I don't love this feeling, I feel emptier inside. Please Father, make me more like you. Make me happy for her.