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Saturday, April 27, 2013

Changes

I feel like there is no right way to start this. My mind is in so many different places right now. I wanted to write and bitch about mail.com and how their app sucks, you can't send mail only receive it with out paying for their premium mail accounts. That sucks! I'm going to be deleting my account there shortly.

I wanted to write about my father dying last week, but I know if he were here he doesn't like to be talked about anywhere. But I also know that he is in a better place now and wouldn't/doesn't care at all now about me talking about him. He had been diagnosed 10 months ago with brain cancer, went through brain surgery, chemo, radiation, and a new tumor. He didn't go through brain surgery again. He never complained, never said he was in pain.....we really had to watch him if we wanted to know he was in pain. He would rub his head and that was our only tell. He let us know he loved us and appreciated us caring for him. He encouraged us and how we cared for him. He didn't die alone. He passed away quietly and knowing we loved him and would be ok and continue on.

My step-mom found this web site ( http://www.renettedavis.com/diary.html ) Diary of a Brain Tumor Patient's Wife. We read some of it, but couldn't read much at a time. While Dad was going through that we couldn't handle knowing too much, but at the same time it helped us know what was coming. I'd love to be able to write like this lady did.

In the years I didn't know my father he had made many of good friends. The people at hospice that took care of my dad were good friends with him. I learned more about my father than I ever knew I would or could. I learned he was a loved man.

I want to write about the most caring and compassionate husband, and how he was so supportive of me being there for my father. He understood when I missed his doctor appointments  even though he was going through crap too. My hubby was diagnosed with graves disease. He was having tremors due to his thyroid function being unmanaged for so long.

My grandfather passed last year just before thanksgiving. So I went to west virginia for his funeral. My mother had been caring for my grandfather with my grandmother's help for several years. I know he was 90 years old and had cancer of something (i think it was pancreas but i don't remember). He had been ill for a while and then he ended up with REALLY bad shingles on his face that left him blind. That was really heart breaking to see.

I have decided on the tattoo that I will get once I get the funds. I will get a tattoo of my father's finger print and his first name as well as the word dad on my arm. I will also get the same thing for my mother on my other arm at some point. But I want to have a piece of them with me at all times and to me if I'm going to have something with me forever, it needs to mean something and not just be something pretty.

I have many more things I'd like to write about here, but for now this is all I can do. Thank you very much to each of you who have emailed me about patterns and various things. Its great to know that I have some readers and am not just writing this for me. I hopefully will soon start writing on a regular basis.