Friday, February 17, 2012

what to do...

I have no clue what we're going to do. My husband went to school to help make our lives better, and to earn more at work. He never got the raise promised. We're still next to poverty level or so we're told. When it came time to pay the student loans, they wanted $600 a month. We were promised reasonable payments when we got the student loans. $600 a month isn't reasonable when that's more than rent you pay. That's more than 1/2 the paycheck. We called the student loan company to try and work with them. They could get it down to just over $200 a month. Well, we still couldn't pay that. That's our food budget a month.

We're not frivolous people. My husband is still wearing the same holy jeans for 2 years now. I glue patches on from other old holy jeans because we can't afford to get him new ones. He broke his shoe lace over a month ago, and we still haven't had the funds to get him a new one. We get the needed food, and not much more than that. We have bought toilet paper, and paper towels in bulk when we had extra money....but we no longer have extra money. Our tax refund was taken. My husband's wages were garnished. They took 15% of each paycheck. Which equals out to almost $150 a pay check.

Once we pay the bills we have, now that the wages were garnished, that leaves us with $45 for food and gas for 2 weeks. Once we fill the gas tank in the car, that will leave us with between $15 and $25 depending upon how much gas we have left. We go to the store once every 2 weeks. We other wise don't leave the house accept husband going to work.

I'm going to have to give up my hormones due to we can't afford them any longer. I had to have a complete hysterectomy last year. I have no ovaries, no cervix, no uterus, no Fallopian tubes, nothing in the reproductive area any more. I was hemorrhaging so bad I was going through MORE than a bag of heavy over night pads a week. I couldn't use tampons. I was costing us over $100 a month in just feminine hygiene products.

I wake up everyday crying now. I no longer see our future as bright. I don't know how long we can last like this. I do what I can to keep us going, but I'm losing hope and faith fast. We're too white to get help through the state. If we were black or mexican or anything other than white, we could get help through the state.

My mom is here, and she has $100 to help with groceries this week, but thats just this week. She has no more money. She is broke. She stopped here on her way to florida to see her grandkids, and because of  my husband and my financial issues she's got to push back her trip.

People keep telling me I need to work, I know this, but how do you work with migraines CONSTANTLY. I have an immune system made of crap. You look at me wrong and I get something else. I haven't gotten my hormones adjusted right and still having night sweats and hot flashes all the time. I'm so nervous I shake or cry all the time. I can't afford the meds I need to make me normal. We have one car and not enough money to pay gas to drive it back and forth between 2 jobs. We did that before and most of my paychecks went to filling the gas tank.

I feel like I'm swirling down the hole of a toilet. Once you get caught in the swirl, there's no getting out. You just get flushed. The food banks in the area seem to charge for a box, or your limited to how many times you can come for help. The churches help africa, and other countries, unless your a member of the church and then you might get help. But to become a member, you have to pay for gas, and classes and go through their rituals, and I'm not interested. I mean when did God say "you must be a member of the church to get help?" or " you must attend my church on a regular basis for us to help you with food?" I mean I thought God just helped the needy. But everyone has to put restrictions on the help you can get.

We're going to have to get rid of our guinea pigs, for the simple fact we need to feed us instead of them. We just can't afford them anymore. There goes more enjoyment out the door. UGH. We have sold just about everything we have thats worth anything. I know I know, sell your computers, well, they are old. They won't bring in much. Well, somethings more than nothing. Yeah, but if we don't have a little entertainment in our lives, we may just slit our wrists and be done with it all.

I mean husband and I have NOTHING to look forward to, other than death. Then we will be out of this horrible mess we're in because we tried to better ourselves. I mean if i work, my student loans will come after me too. So we have no real way to step up. No way to get out of this mess. Our savings account has $5 in it. We had to pull the rest of our money out to buy windshield wipers because the ones we have on our car are cutting the glass and we can't replace a windshield, so we have to replace the wipers before it brakes the glass completely. Next month we have to re-legalize our car, but don't have the $100 we need to do that.

There's no one left to help us. My mom and step dad HAVE to get the taxes paid on the house we're in by the end of the month, and if they don't, then we will lose it. My mom can't even afford her pills right now.  All my uncles and aunts are in just as hard of a place as we are. I mean one uncle and aunt lost their house. my cousin may lose his. my other aunt lives out back. another uncle is living in trailers in wv and has a broken back. the only other uncle there is, is barely staying afloat where he is. My grandparents aren't in a position to help. my siblings aren't able to do anything. They have kids they have to take care of.....and my twin sister is in korea with the military.

I'm just so completely out of hope, out of a desire to continue on. I go to bed each night asking God to take me to heaven to be with him. Then I realize that would leave my husband in a worse place then he is already.

I know God takes care of his kids, its just hard to see how he's gonna do it. My mother and husband are both as depressed as I am, if not worse. My hubby and I have no friends in the area, and no way to make them or afford friends, since to have friends in this day and age, you have to be able to go out and spend money and drive places. Well, when your us, you have no money to do anything or drive anywhere that isn't work.

I mean is this a lesson I'm supposed to be learning? I don't get it. I haven't really had the easiest life. We have struggled since I can remember. I always thought God was going to give me a child....well, thats gone. I can't get pregnant anymore. I mean does he want me to live in the depth of despair? Is that where my life is supposed to be?

I'm going to try and sell some more books and videos, and anything else i can get my hands on.  Mom came here to get relaxed, and to get out of depression, but I think we have put her even farther into depression. She now sees how we are living.

Husband  and I have discussed quitting his job and us just being homeless. Panhandling on the street to survive. Sleeping in our car thats not registered after march.

I hate people who wallow in their lives, but thats about all i can afford to do now. I don't know what else to do. I think i'm going to go back to bed now. I can't be awake any longer. its too hard today.

we have discussed bankruptcy, but that costs money and we'd need a lawyer to help us with the student loan aspect, but we don't even have funds for that. I no longer crochet because i'm afraid i'm going to run out of yarn and don't want that to happen so i sit and do nothing now days. my will to better myself and to do anything at all has just evaporated.

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