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Friday, July 29, 2011

I'm happy for you.....but......

So I hate naming my blogs. Its the worst part of the blogging well, naming it and then the labeling/tagging. Horribly hard.

So I'm sitting here looking through blogs and the first thing I see on the last 5 I look at is new born babies. I'm glad your parents, but its hard for me to see it. Let me explain why...I have to go back and give you a little history about me. So here goes....

I wanted for most of my life (first 28 years) to be nothing more than a wife and a mother. I'm a wife!! Yay! I'm not a mother. I have poly cystic ovarian disease. I was hemorrhaging for months at a time. My periods lasted me nothing short of a month and never longer than 2 years. I didn't get to do normal things younger people get to do. I had a hard time with infertility and feeling like a desirable woman. I mean who wants to be with someone who bleeds for months at a time!? I didn't even want to be with me. I mean every time my husband and I made love, it look like someone had been murdered in our bed. Nasty! and not in the good way. 

I had been on birth control pills since I was 14 i think. I was up to 4 pills a day trying to stop the bleeding. I had had like I don't know somewhere between 2 and 4 dnc's.....but they stopped working. I had a biopsy of my uterus trying to make sure I didn't have any cancerous anything in me. I didn't, but the uterus lining was REALLY thick since I never had a period. I had weird bleeding. I don't know where it was coming from. Cysts rupturing? I dunno...

At 28 years old I finally said I'm done. I'm tired. I'm going to die if this doesn't stop. I talked to my husband and my mother and I prayed. We all agreed that it was time to talk to my doctor about a hysterectomy. My doctor was talking about doing more tests, but I decided I couldn't live through the tests again. I wanted to be done. I mean I was having hot flashes and mood swings, bleeding, and having to shave my face and neck everyday. I could do with everything as long as the bleeding went away.

So february of this year (2011) I had a complete hysterectomy. Yay!!! But then the dr says, "you could have some bleeding for a little while after the surgery". Well, shit. I've gone through all this and STILL HAVE BLEEDING??? NO!!!  Thankfully, I had only 2 spots of bleeding after surgery!! Go dr!!!! She did GREAT!!! She (my dr) also prayed with me before surgery. That meant so much to me, my hubby and my mommy! If you live in nashville, tn and need a GRREAT gyn let me know I'll refer her to you., you to her!? whatever.

I now have hot flashes and can break into tears at the blink of an eye. But there's no bleeding. I still shave my face and neck every time I shower. I know I gave up the option of going through more testing and the possibility of ever having kids. But that doesn't change the fact that its still hard for me to deal with other people's happiness of having babies.

My sister in law was wary of telling me she was preggo last year because she knew I was going through all this. I am/was so happy for her and my brother. I love my nephews and niece. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I still have days when I break into tears thinking about never feeling a life growing within me. Of never knowing the feeling of birthing a baby. I know I have the option to adopt, but I know me. I know I would forever be scared knowing that the child could grow up and say your not my mother, I don't love you I don't have to listen to you. I'd be scared of knowing that there is someone out there who could come and say that is my child, and I want him/her back. I couldn't live with that.

I'm learning more daily about menopause. I just learned yesterday that in menopause you get dry skin and you need to moisturize daily. I never have done that, I'm not a girly girl. I learned that I'm now more acceptable to get more UTI's. Ugh like I need more of those. I learned that's what's wrong with my brain (its called fuzzy thinking or something like that). Why I can't think of words sometimes. That causes me to cry often. That's all menopause. But its better than bleeding all over myself and my bathroom every time I had to go potty. Yes, I just said potty.

My mom understands what I'm going through even tho she could have children. So to help me, she got my hubby and I a guinea pig. My nephew helped us name her. Her name is Pistachio. Then a couple days later we got 2 more for free. We named them, with help of friends on facebook, Pepper, and Patches. All 3 are girls.

Ok I'm rambeling. At least I didn't tell you about how I met my hubby. I will save that for another post. I don't remember what I was leading toward when I started this. I just start something and then I get on a tangent and then I all the sudden just quit. So that's what i'm doing now, I'm quitting this post for now. Thanks for reading.